In the most dignified way I could for a poor person, I asked Twitter this afternoon to “give me a job” and someone offered me one, someone here at Sativa Shakes. They got in touch and said “if you wanna write some blog posts, you peasant, then do it”. Ok, so that wasn’t their exact words, or even close to their words but I’m incredibly paranoid and delusional and just heard what I wanted to hear, y’know like how all good relationships end
Vegan friendly, eh, Sativa Shakes? You know I have eaten raw steak out the packet. I’ve eaten steak while it’s still been kinda half in the packet. I’m a proper mess for it too. You know how many pints of milk I drink a day? Between 3 and 5 pints of milk. Every day. I did have a break from it when my doctor put his head in his hands once and said “that’s far too much milk” and I lost half a stone within a fortnight. So maybe instead of a better inner being, I could get into Sativa Shakes out of just pure vanity. Sativa Shakes, for people who know about health but also for people who have no idea what they’re doing but want to look better in jeans.
Actually, I don’t think there’s a better way to bolster my self worth than getting involved with a fancy health drinks lifestyle brand. I dated a guy last year who talked about that coconut water like he was banging it and he has much more money than I do so maybe there’s something in this. They’re paying me to write this with money they earned from their own consumables so it would make sense that health and rich people go hand in hand.
Yesterday, I was up walking on Hampstead Heath in London and this woman with about £40,000 worth of plastic surgery, which looked like it was done in 1997 Thailand, was screaming at the woman in the cafe about not having enough lemons in her water. We looked over and her polystyrene cup was overflowing with lemons, you couldn’t have fitted in more lemons. She whispered at me with her stretched puppet mouth “stupid bitches” and then gestured rudely again at the woman behind the counter. I told her that her life couldn’t be any harder and she left, still with an unreasonable amount of lemons. Lemons are vegan, aren’t they? Anyway, if I got this job yesterday I could’ve helped her out more with some information about how to live her life feeling great, instead I mocked her with a sarcastic comment and a blank face. At least mine was blank out of choice.
I know better now, now I work for Sativa Shakes.
You can follow Alice on Twitter @alicewhitey